Was blind..but now I see

Today during church the sermon focused on the story of Jesus and how he made a blind man see. Not only was the Sermon funny, but is resounded more deeply than I anticipated.

How true this statement has been for me over this past week. I have closed my eyes for so many moments in my recent past life. When I looked in a mirror, when I tried on swimsuits, when I got undressed in front of Allen, when I was naked in bed and so many more. I also closed my mind to the fact that I was really OK.

I would not let myself begin to think ill of my body, or admit that I was gaining some weight, out loud. I said it to myself and reflection, many times, but never as publicly as this. I would refuse to buy bigger clothes (and then blamed it on the manufactures being persuaded by the like of Hollywood to downgrade sizes) and close my eyes to how my outside affected those around me.

Julia grabs my tummy (handfuls of it, really) and says how soft and squishy it is. Awesome. I used to think it was so cute and that I couldn't believe there was such an unconditional love being displayed in front of me. (As, it was always followed by "Mom, you are so beautiful. I love you so much!"). Maria told me that she liked me better when my boobs weren't so big and I could run faster.. I am not going to even comment on this one. Allen has always believed (although he has never QUITE come out and said so) that he would have a wife full of energy and not afraid to hang out at the beach for fear of looking fat in a swimsuit (forget that I burn as easily as a piece of white bread under the broiler). 

I was blind. Because I chose to be. It was easier and more effective to get through each day. Through this process I have begun to see. I have begun to see the food I used to eat, the drinks I used to drink, the snacks I used to snack, the arrogance of arrogance and the real me I want to be.

I am promising to always keep my eyes open from this point forward. I want to see every moment of this through to the end. And then continue beyond when I don't think I can carry on another moment. I want to wear the jeans from the buckle that I love, and not be afraid to shop there for fear of what the girls working there might think. I want to see my heart open up to the possibility that the me ahead is better than the me I am leaving behind. I want to open my mind to all the revelations I am making as I continue the path.

I was blind but now I see. Thank God I have God. Thank God I have friends. Thank God I have me and the better me yet to come.