This morning we have just rented Tangled, one of my favorite Disney movies. Its music and magic has temporarily taken over my home. And, that is just fine with me. Julia is entranced allowing some serious "me" time. She has not moved off the couch (or spoken to me) for 4 minutes. I think we are going for a record.
As I went to bed last night, my stomach sounded like a babbling brook. I read a few more chapters of my book and then turned off the light to ignore it. It worked. Distraction and pure will to ignore these things works.
This whole situation has helped me kick start another scary journey. Some real soul searching. Why have I let myself get like this and why haven't I been able to do anything about it before? Why do I still feel an instinct of "forget this.. I look fine" as I search for a random excuse here or there to quit? Why am I feeling so angry whenever Allen asks me any particulars about the diet? Who am I really upset with, him or me?
These are all of the things I am tackling right now. Not on an every minute basis, but a little nagging thought that ebbs in the back of my head. To write them almost seems more real than thinking of them. However, I have come to a realization that this whole weight-loss journey is more of a Tangled mess than I originally signed up for. And I am OK with that. If losing weight was merely about being a smaller size, I am not interested it. I think that is why, physically, I always appear to myself smaller than I really am. Because, truly, if I am this weight for the rest of my life I could accept that and move on, happily. BUT, if weight loss is more about getting rid of a deeper issue within that manifests itself my padding my body with lumps and rolls of unwanted waste.. then I am all in. That is what is worth this battle for me. That is my song and inspiration for the rest of this journey. This Tangled mess has got to go. The pounds, guilt, frustration, anger, disappointment and forgotten personal goals and victories. I can't wait for the finish line, when my outside shows the internal work I have done.
As the princess in Tangled exclaims many times over "I am NEVER going back". I am getting out of this tangled web I've weaved.
Tara - You are so far ahead in your journey and you don't even know it! This is why we should all be keeping a journal b/c it comes down to emotions -good or bad- not the food. Think about it.... do you remember what you ATE when you look at a picture or how you felt? hmmmm that should take some of the power away from the food, right?? Loving these posts - you all keep my mind on what is important! Thanks!
ReplyDeleteI love that movie! I have honestly been trying to avoid looking into the deeper issues because I do not know where to begin.I think I know what it is though and this is big and I have thought it for a long time. I am afraid to be thin and healthy again! I am afraid of the things that will change in my life when I get healthy. I do not like change. I am afraid I will be unhappy with my relationship with my husband because he is a bigger man. I don't know if I can let go of the guilt of teaching my kids bad habits and although they are still young go through the battle of teaching them healthier habits now. Okay, wow, now it's out there and now I am afraid of how you all will respond.
ReplyDeleteJaime - you are so brave to share! Wow...that is deep. I think we have all figured out our weight tells a story of our habits. It is scary to change and also, it's hard work! We just have to cling to the fact that all will be BETTER with change! I know my kids need to learn better eating habits and it starts with me.
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